REMEMBER

Today has been hard, just one of those "don't cry, don't cry, don't cry" while in the middle of a conversation,  days.  I started to feel really sorry for myself, pitty parties are a must sometimes but it started to get old. I knew I had to get over it sooner than later so I..............REMEMBERED.  When you have been given so much it's awfully hard to feel bad for yourself for very long.  So I'm making a list, so when that feeling of self pity comes creeping up again I can come back here and REMEMBER!

1:  I have a man in my life that fills my soul with love, he knows my heart and who I am.  He know's what makes me tick and thinks it's CUTE even when it really isn't.  He loves me without question and calls me his britches, I seriously love that he calls me that!!  I am still shocked every day with how much I REALLY do love him and even more shocking is how much he really does love me, crazy Lindsey and all!

2:  I have been given 3 little people that call me mom, the most sacred name in all the world!!  I'm a mommy, this means more to me than anything than this world could ever offer. I don't deserve this sacred name most of the time but somehow my little mutts think I'm something special.  I holler, I get frustrated and I can be scary as hell but they LOVE their mommy......more than I deserve to be loved.  These little people make me laugh all day long!!  This mornings conversation I overheard. 

Dane: "Nondon (London), your puppy is bitting my Jackles puppy!"

London: Holy COW!!!   Is he still?"

Dane: "YES!!!! I think he needs to go to time out!"

London: "Don't worry Dane, I'm coming"

While working on playdou projects

Dane: "Jackles, it's beautiful!"

Jack: "Yours looks really good to Dane, good job!"

Dane: "Thanks Jack.........I love you"

Jack: " I Love you too Dane"

At this very moment Dane is telling London how handsome he is and of course she is agreeing, LOL:) I was once asked by a guy I was dating what my greatest goal was.  I said, "To be a mother, an amazing mother."  In return he said, "That's great but what's your most important goal?" I simply repeated myself and he was genuinely disappointed in me.  I remember feeling like their must be something wrong with me, like he was right and I needed some GREATER goal........ I'm happy to say he was so incredibly wrong!  I have experienced many a great things in my life but nothing as GREAT as listening to my sweet little monkeys sing songs, play games and speak with unbelievable wisdom.  Yes, being called mommy fills me with such gratitude that all other trials seem frivolous.

3:  I know that I am one of Gods children, a beloved child!!!  Knowing that I have GOD on my side cheering me on, reminding me of who I am and what I'm capable of and most importantly LOVING me through all my failures and forgiving without question is the greatest gift I have been given in this earth life.  Because I know this ONE thing I can overcome ALL things!   

I feel so much BETTER!!!!  I just had to REMEMBER!  

OUR Journey With Baby JOY

My very good friends Justin and Breanne White are going through a very difficult time.  They recently found out that the baby they are expecting has Anecephaly. Anecephanly is a condition where the baby that is in gestation does not grow a brain but everything else grows normal.  In all my days I have never seen someone have so much faith and devotion to God when in such a HARD situation.  I have such immense respect and love for this family and I have personally been strengthened through their example and I want others to have the same opportunity to feel the same inspiration and strength I have felt.  I am posting a small portion of the many posts that Breanne has so graciously shared with the world on her blog Our Journey With Baby Joy.   


 As I have followed their story I have felt like I need to help out in some way but didn't know how.  One night I was in bed and had the impression that I needed to share their story and set up a place for those who were willing to donate to my sweet friends and their family.  I'm sure you could imagine the expense's  that go along with this situation and I think the last thing they need to worry about right now is money.  I know many of us don't have much but I also know that every cent counts and would be immensely appreciated!  I have a DONATE NOW button at the top of my blog that you can donate through Paypal.  You don't have to have a Paypal account and it's really easy to do.  As the White family goes through this difficult time I'm sure your donations and prayers would be very appreciated. 


I have added one of the many posts from Our Journey With Baby Joy.




Telling The Boys


I think one of the things (there were many) :-) that broke my heart the most was thinking of telling the boys. They were all excited about having another baby and even more excited that we might be able to find out if it was a boy or not at our ultrasound. Even though I was only sixteen weeks along, the doctor said that if it was a boy (which we were pretty sure, only because we had no idea how to do girl) we would be able to see something. I had almost taken Jaden to the ultrasound and had completely planned on it. It was after school and right before scouts. I will always be grateful that he was not there and we had a little while to think about things before we told them. Thursday we had a little bit of time with only Jaden and Jaxon. I remember Justin calling the boys in. He made them sit on the couch and he sat right in front of them so he could really see both of their faces. He told them that sometimes babies are born without any problems and sometimes things go wrong like with Jaxon. He talked about how blessed we were that we were able to fix Jaxon's problems but with this baby girl we wouldn't be able to. Justin explained what was wrong with her and that with those problems that she would not be able to live. Jaxon's face instantly changed and you could see tears well up in his eyes. Jaden's mind started trying so hard to think of a way that she could live. That monday (the day before my ultrasound) we had a lesson in family home evening based on the talk "But if not..." by Elder Dennis E. Simmons. My visiting teacher had given a lesson from this talk to me in March when we were going through all of our testing with Jaxon. In her April visit she brought me a printed copy and I thought it would be a great lesson. I would like to share the parts that we talked about in our FHE lesson.

"When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego refused to bow down and worship a golden image set up by the king, a furious Nebuchadnezzar told them that if they would not worship as commanded, they would immediately be cast into a burning fiery furnace. “And who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?” The three young men quickly and confidently responded, “If it be so [if you cast us into the furnace], our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand.” That sounds like my eighth-grade kind of faith. But then they demonstrated that they fully understood what faith is. They continued, “But if not, … we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.”  That is a statement of true faith.
They knew that they could trust God—even if things didn’t turn out the way they hoped.  They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him. Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does.
Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him."
I am so grateful that we were inspired to give that lesson for family home evening. This was the perfect application. When Jaden was struggling to find a solution, we quickly interjected and explained that this was one of the "but if not" moments and that it was ok. We would not lose faith or question what the Lord had in store for our baby girl. Of course we all just cried. We said a prayer together and before the prayer Justin said that it was appropriate to ask Heavenly Father that this little spirit knew we loved her and that we were excited that she had chosen our family to be together forever with.
Here is a letter that I wrote to Jordan who is serving a mission. I am grateful I have it because unfortunately it is the only thing I wrote before I finally got the courage to write in my journal on may 5th. I just remember my head always thinking about something and then it would jump to something else. I am still pretty scatterbrained but I am doing a lot better. The date on the letter is April 29
Dear Jordan,
I have been meaning to write you a letter ever since we had extra testing on Jaxon's heart and everything was fine. But I had been so sick and only have felt good for just a little over a week. The exciting news is that I am pregnant. I am 17 weeks along or 4 months. The really sad and hard news is that we just found out on Tuesday that she will not live past birth meaning she will be a stillborn. And yes I did say SHE :) She is still pretty small but the specialist that did another ultrasound on wed said that she saw a lot of signs that it was a girl. If it is, her name will most likely be Joy. She has a condition called anecephaly (not at all related to Jaxon's heart defects, just another lottery ticket draw) basically she is missing most of her skull and as a result most of her brain. They said it happens 1 out of every 1000 and most of them are girls. It starts just right above her brow line (so her face is normal just different because she is missing her forehead) and from what we can tell about a little over half way down the back. The part of her brain that she still has is her motor part, so while she is "on life support" inside of me she is a mover. During both ultrasounds she just wouldn't hold still and kicks and is a fun little thing. She is even able to swallow and her stomach is processing everything. She is deaf and blind and basically her little body has no feeling. We have read a lot in the handbook and we only believe that her little spirit is there or will be there and can do all of those things :) This is by far the most difficult thing I have been asked to experience and when she is born I know it will be unbearable. There are many blessing that the Lord has given us to help us, one being the talk I sent you, another, what a blessing that she doesn't have a less severe case that she has to live with her entire life. She gets to have her body and then go home and still have her family forever without any pain or sickness. What a blessing that we still have our healthy Jaxon here with us and that he doesn't need another surgery right now. Another blessing but at the same time it is also a trial, we get to decide when to let her go. There are so many things that are playing into this at this time that it would be unbearable to decide on our own. I am so glad that the Lord will help us make the right decision for our family. If we let her go between now and 22 weeks I would probably be able to have her "normally". She would be about ten inches in length and her head the size of a large lime. Her arm would be as long as my middle finger so she would be tiny. Between 22 and 30 weeks it would be too dangerous and risk our chances of having future posterity because of my past c-sections. At 30 weeks she would be about 15 inches long, weigh 3 lbs and her head would be more like a large orange. Still really tiny but more of a holdable size for our boys. 38 weeks is normal gestation for a baby like this which would put me giving birth a week after my sister in law which would just be too painful. If I have a c-section we would not be able to get pregnant for another year where as the other we could in six months. Do we allow her to go so that we can let other spirits come into this earth or do we enjoy her every minute that we possibly can? There are so many more things in play but that is just a few of the things that are constantly going through my head right now. There are so many times when we wish that the decision was made for us but then realize how grateful we are that we get to make the best decision for our family with the Lord. At this time we ask for prayers and fasting that we will be able to do just that. No matter what anyone else opinion may be, that we can make the best decision for our family and not have any regret, which could come with either decision. Please pray for us Jordie :) Pray that my sweet boys will be ok and patient with their mother who is trying her hardest to still function. We pray all the time that our little girl knows how much we love her already. I know the Lord hears and answers our prayers and he has answered so many already. Thank you so much for your love and support! 

Right now I am 23 1/2 weeks. The decision whether or not to take her to term was so draining. We asked for our families to fast and pray for us that we would be able to make the right decision for our family. I remember wishing that the answer would come and hit us like a lightening bolt but it never did. I don't know that I could ever tell you a day that we finally decided. I know it was within the first couple weeks of May because I called my doctors office to schedule a confirmation ultrasound for May 24, to make sure she was a girl and told her that we would most likely take her to term. I also had visiting teachers on the 14th and I knew then that we would probably carry her. I will always remember one night while Justin and I were talking about it and he made the comment, I wonder what she thinks of us talking about her like this. I think that was a real eye opener for me. All the time I had been focused on what was best for my family that I already had, not necessarily what might be best for her. She too was a part of our family, what could I do that might be best for her? I knew that on this life I would not be able to do all the tender things that a mother does for a baby. I joke now that I must need to learn a lot of patience since I have to wait to do all those things with her. But I could show her how deeply I loved her and how much I wanted her to be a part of our family. If I had the chance to have her close to me as long as I could, how could I not take it? We want her to spend the entire summer with us and give her the chance to "go" when she is ready. How blessed we are to have such a sweet spirit with us! I have full trust in the Lord that he will take care of us, no matter what happens. 

Justin and I have grown so close during this experience. It seemed as if we just both really felt good about taking her to term. I fall more in love with him every day as we go through this together. He has always been my rock and never questioned anything. He still says our prayers together almost every time because I have such a hard time making it through without going through a whole box of tissues. I know he would do anything for me and I love him for it. I love him because even though I know he is swamped at work, he comes home early so that we can attend the Temple together. He always knows the right things to say to the boys when they have questions and will stay up with me when I just need to jabber. (Probably too frequently :)) I am eternally grateful to the Lord for letting me have the perfect companion. I know we can make it through together.

"When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation, and take me home, what JOY shall fill my heart! 

Then I shall bow in humble adoration and there proclaim, "My God, how great thou art!""

You could imagine how after reading these posts how much one would want to help so I ask you again to do what you can.  If it's through a charitable donation or through a silent prayer it will be felt and appreciated by these GOOD people.  Thanks you guys, and may God bless you.  

Master Bedroom Makeover!!!

 The previous owners were very.........creative:)  Bless their hearts!

I love for a room to feel open and bright.  There are a few things I have done to it since this pic but I'm too lazy to take new photos:)   

Our NEW House!

BEFORE (walking in the front door.) Notice the wall

AFTER (believe it or not this is actually walking in that SAME front door:) NO WALL!!!!

Notice that there are NO WINDOWS

See the windows NOW!! We cut holes into the brick, so fun:)

I'm not going to lie............this house kicked our butts!!! It was stinky, old and disgusting but all I could see were the BONES (and price, lol;) and I knew the bones were full of amazing potential:) We knew we could do it, poor Riley spent MANY nights in the "Before" house.........not a happy place to be, lol! We had help from our family and friends and that was HUGE, thank you helpful people!! There were times when I thought, "Is it really worth it?!" I think a few people thought we were totally crazy but we ended up kicking this stinky houses BUTT!! It's beautiful:) The most impressive part is that we did it in 2 months, thats pretty fast considering how much we did, yay us!

This is most definitely the BEST before and afters but the whole house got this same makeover so there are more pics to come:)!!

Don't Mess With A Smith Bean

First the Disclaimer. My kids fight, kick, yell, and tease each other. It's just part of having brothers and sisters BUT............my kids also adore each other. I have been able to witness it out in public in the last few weeks.

Last week at McDonald's I watched Jack play with a new found friend. This new friend and Jack were laughing at something when London came up to them and this new friend pushed her down. Yes it took every fiber of my being not to go kick that little boys *** but I controlled myself and watched something beautiful happen. Jack immediately stopped what he was doing, got down next to London and said, "London are you OK?" As he was asking he sweetly rubbed her head and spoke softly to her. Once London was all better Jack turned to the new friend and said, "Hey, that's my sister!!!" The friend looked at him like "and your point is?" so Jack said it again, "That's my SISTER!!!" This time the new friend got the message and with regret in his voice he turned to miss London and said, "I'm sorry." London excepted the apology and played with them for the rest of our time there.

Today while we were at McDonald's again (I know we go way to much)I watched London have this same experience with my Dane. London found a little girl to play with and Dane came up to play with them. The friend started to say mean things to Dane and London wasn't having it. She turned to her friend and said, "Hey, that's my brother Dane!" The little girl didn't get it so London said it again, after that the little girl got the point and went and played with someone else. London was fine with that, she and Dane played together for the rest of the time.

When it comes to the smith family, if you mess with one Smith Bean your going to get the whole Smith Burrito, watch out:)!

Every mother has that MOTHER BEAR in her, we can't help it! BUT I am here to say that if we can control ourselves (sometimes I can't) then we can give our children the opportunity to do it for each other and themselves, which in my opinion is WAY MORE effective. Us moms more often than not need to take a chill pill, our kids need to learn the rules to society and socializing and when we get involved and fix everything for them they miss out on that opportunity to LEARN!!! I understand this because I step in way more than I need to but I have learned through watching my little monkeys that it is better for THEM to figure it out on their own. I have watched myself with this and when I step in I figured out that it makes ME feel good about MYSELF, yes it's for them but it's also about ME. If I get rid of making myself feel good and let my children do it then in return I watch THEM feel good about THEM. This is a principle that Love And Logic teaches and it's one that's hard to follow but very much worth it and it's also one I'm still working on:)

The Last Six Months

For those who don't know, it has taken us 6 months to buy a house and we are now in the process of renovating it. BIG renovation! IT has taken us MUCH longer than we had EVER anticipated.

I never thought I would be where I am right now...... 3 children, living with my mom, (most amazing, loving and supportive woman I know) away from my husband that we only get to see on the weekends. I mean you can't write this stuff, well I guess you can I just never would have inserted myself into the story.

They say hard things make you stronger.........I hate to go along with a "they say" but in this situation "they" are right. This whole thing wasn't just some sad story I fell into or some accident that brought us to this point it was all in the books and it was all for ME.

The truth is that things that happen in our lives happen FOR us not against us. Even when it doesn't feel like it, even when I think I can't take one more day, hour, or second, in the end it really is all for ME. We are given hard things to make us stronger, smarter, or in my case more humble. When given these "things" we ALWAYS have the choice to let it bring us down to our knees or just.......down. I always think I know what I need but usually I'm very wrong and the second I turn to the right source I'm reminded that what I need is not what I had planned at all.

On the outside looking in I know that this shabby little trial of mine doesn't light a candle to others but it's been very REAL for me and my little family. BUT through it I have finely REMEMBERED who I am, where I came form and most importantly what MY mission is. I feel like Oprah on her final show "find out what your mission is" lol, but she's right! Sometimes it takes hard things for us to remember but in the end it's ALWAYS worth it.

So I have VERY good news. After a very long 6 months we will be moving into our home within the next 2 week, we will finely be a family again and now more than ever we know what a PRECIOUS gift that really is.

Family, isn't it about time? I couldn't help myself, lol:)

Mommy Soap BOX!!

The other day I felt judged.......I know right. If you know me you know that I USUALLY could care less what others think, BUT this time I did......A LOT! I was so upset I didn't sleep. Do you ever have those nights where you think of all the things you want to say to someone but never really would, well that was what I was doing all. night. long! I felt like I was being judged as a MOTHER, and really in my book there is nothing worse. So guess what I did back.....I started to judge that mother!!! I have found that the only time I start judging is when I FEEL judged. What is it with us moms, we can be SO JUDGMENTAL!!!!

In the middle of the night I had a HUGE lightbulb turn on!!!! I FIGURED IT OUT LADIES!!!!! I know you may have already had this personal lightbulb for yourself but I found it so helpful I feel as though I must share:)

EVERYONE IS DOING THE BEST THAT THEY CAN WITH WHAT THEY HAVE!!!! Every mother only wants what is best for their child. WE may not understand it, we not agree with it, we may even despise it but for them it's their BEST! Why can't we just step back and respect that and NOT JUDGE!!

As mothers we should STAND together and SUPPORT one another, not tare each other down. We should stop giving advice and start asking for it. I personally struggle with that one, I feel like what I am doing is the best but sometimes it is NOT. I have much to learn from my fellow mothers, we all could learn more.

You can be sure of one thing, I WILL NOT be judging you as a mother, I know your doing your best and GOOD JOB!!! Nobody is the perfect mom, nobody loves being a mom 100% of the time, we all have bad days. SO GOOD JOB MOMS, YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL and.............. you all suck sometimes, lol, that's just the way it is and I love it:)

So there is my soap box:)